Karyn (nyrak20) wrote in takemetoheaven,
Karyn
nyrak20
takemetoheaven

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Chapter One 513 gapfiller miniseries--"Walk Away".

Title: Walk away

Author: Nyrak20

Rating: R

Summary: Brian’s POV the night Justin leaves for NY. EP 513 Gap filler. Part one of miniseries.

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of QAF. Sadly.

Song: "Land-locked Blues"--Bright Eyes

 

Chapter One

 

If you walk away I walk away
first tell me which road you will take
I don't want to risk our paths crossing someday
so you walk that way I'll walk this way

 

I watched the taillights from the cab from the window as it pulled away from my building. I didn’t walk him down. He told me not to. He said if I walked him down it would be a goodbye. If he just left the loft, kissed me goodbye, then it would be just a ‘See ya later’. Bullshit.

 

and the future hangs over our heads
and it moves with each current event
until it falls all around like a cold steady rain
just stay in when it's lookin' this way

 

It started to rain the minute he walked out the door. The drops on the window were like a baptism. I don’t know how long I stood there at the window. I smoked cigarette after cigarette, thoughts going through my mind that consumed me. I had felt my heart break one too many times in my life. The first time I had ever hurt Mikey with harsh words and rejection. The night Justin got bashed and I sat in the hallway waiting to hear if he’d live or die. When I saw his face at Gus’s first birthday when he had a flashback. When I heard the news about Vic’s death. When I saw Michael on the stretcher going into the ambulance after the bombing. When the Doctor wouldn’t take my blood. And tonight when Justin walked out of the loft and out of my life. This is the greatest heartbreak of all. Not because he left. But because my love wasn’t enough to make him want to stay. My love wasn’t enough to make him not walk away.

 

and the moon's laying low in the sky
forcing everything metal to shine
and the sidewalk holds diamonds like a jewelry store case
they argue "walk this way," "no walk this way"

 

I wondered how it came to this. That after all the years with Justin, he would be the one to walk out of my life. But I guess it was inevitable. All the times I pushed and pushed to try to get him to leave me because I knew one day he would and I just wanted it to be sooner than later, he never did. And now, now that I knew how much I loved him and now that I wanted him to stay forever, it’s when he decides its time to leave. How is that for fucking irony.

 

and now I’m asleep in my bed
as he is leaving I wake up and say
"I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave
baby don't go away, come here
"

 

As I stood alone, staring out the window, chain-smoking, I tried to figure out the moment I knew. It wasn’t the bombing. I knew way before that. It wasn’t the first night even though Justin would like to think so. And it wasn’t the prom. Or even after the prom. Or the first night I made love to him after the bashing. Or even when he left me for Ethan. It was the day Michael told me he knew I had cancer. And that Justin knew as well. And he had known for a while. He hadn’t told me he knew. Because he knew I would rather he didn’t. So instead all the time he knew, he just was there. I mean he was always there, but he was really there. By my side. Never leaving, never acting different. He respected my wishes. Didn’t make a big scene. He just was there. After Michael left that night, I knew it was love. I knew I loved Justin for that. So what did I do? Kicked him out. So I didn’t have to deal with the pain of him leaving me. Because I loved him. And here I am a year later, and he left me. Not because of cancer. Or how badly I treated him all those years. All the tricks I brought home and paraded in his face. Not one of those things made him walk away. After all that, the reason he walked away was for him.

 

and there's kids playing guns in the street
and one's pointing his tree branch at me
So I put my hands up I say:
"Enough is enough,
If you walk away I walk away."

 

Did I know I loved him before that? I am assuming I did, but didn’t really realize it. I had everyone telling me I did. Deb, Michael, even Justin, always telling how I loved him. I never said I did. But I never argued I didn’t either. It’s no secret I’m an asshole. I worked my whole lift to avoid commitment, and relationships and fought tooth and nail to never let another heart touch mine. And here out of the woodwork crawls Justin. At first I just wanted a piece of virgin ass. But some how along the line I actually started to, dare I say it, I started to care about him. I even told his mother I did. And after all this, all the shit we had been through, I finally thought I could settle down and be with him. Just him. And love him like I had never loved anyone. Not even myself. But I am alone in this room. Staring out into the night from the window wondering how far along he was to the airport. How many cigarettes he has smoked since he left. If his heart hurt as much as mine as he walked away.

 

I found a liquid cure
for my landlocked blues
it will pass away
like a slow parade

it's leaving but I don't know how soon

 

I could have drank myself to death that night. But I didn’t. I felt like I deserved this pain. To feel how he felt all the times I left him. All the times I hurt him. I deserved this. I sure as hell didn’t deserve love. That was proven. All these years I had believed I didn’t. I thought Justin would take all that doubt away. But instead he just verified it with a vengeance. Because he walked away.

 

and the world's got me dizzy again
you'd think after 32 years I'd be used to the spin
and it only feels worse when I stay in one place
so I'm always pacing around or walking away

 

It should never have come to this. I should have stuck to my guns and never let anyone in. Never asked him to marry me. Never told him I loved him. I pushed him away. The fucking twat finally got what he wanted and then fucking left. Asshole. He probably planned it. He is probably laughing right now thinking about he finally got one over on me. Made me fall in love just so he could leave me and have me get a taste of my own medicine. Fucking asshole. I should have walked away.

 

I keep drinking the ink from my pen
and I'm balancing history books up on my head
but it all boils down to one quotable phrase
"If you love something give it away”

 

I shouldn’t think that way. Justin loved me. Loves me. He sacrificed so much just to be with me all those years. His family, his school, his life. Just so he could spend one more day with me. That’s why he needed to go to NY. Why I talked him into going. He listened to me. Maybe too much. Did I want him to stay? Yes. I wanted him to tell me it didn’t matter. All that mattered was me. And us. But he never said it. He knew too he had to go. He said I had changed. I did. For him. And it wasn’t what he wanted. Asshole. After all I promised to give him he just walked away.

 

A good man will pick you apart
a box full of suggestions for your possible heart
But you may be offended, and you may be afraid
but don't walk away, don't walk away

 

I was driving myself nuts. Pacing back and forth, thoughts overbearing my head so I couldn’t even breathe. Is this what it is going to be like without him? On nights he wasn’t here I knew where he was. He was still in Pittsburgh. But now, when I am alone at night, I know where he will be. NY. States away. Possibly with someone else. Stop Kinney. Stop thinking about him. It’s done. Walk away.

 

We made love on the living room floor
with the noise in the background from a televised war
And in the deafening pleasure I thought I heard someone say,
"If we walk away, they’ll walk away"

 

I lay out on the floor where we had been together so many times. Fucking, eating, watching a movie, reading, fucking some more. It was all so bittersweet now. Like memories that belonged to someone else. The floor was hard. Cold. And the only sound I heard was the rain hitting the windows. But faintly in the distance I could still hear his voice. Either humming, or telling me about the day he had. I always just listened. His voice comforted me. Soothed my mind. What would I do without that every day? What would calm me after a bad day? What would be my release? What would I do without him? How could I just walk away?

 

But greed is a bottomless pit
And our freedom's a joke we're just taking a piss
And the whole world must watch the sad comic display
If you're still free start runnin' away

 

He had to do this. I knew it deep down. Maybe he would come back home after he was done. Or maybe he would love it there and never come home again. Would we last? I’d like to think it would. That I would visit, he would come home for holidays. Not too bad. But we didn’t discuss it. All I said was it was just time. And as I lay alone on my living room floor, alone, time is all I had to think about my life, and us, and how I knew this was never going to work. That I should just walk away.

 

I've grown tired of holding this pose
I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
So I'm making a deal with the devils of fame
Sayin' let me walk away, please

 

I finally get up and sit on the bed. I sit there for so long my legs fall asleep. I am looking out into nothing. Not really concentrating on one thing. But I notice the lightning stream through the sky, brightening the loft for a split moment, making me notice how empty the loft was. I lay back and stare at the ceiling. A position I had grown accustomed to. Either while he was on top fucking me, or me lying in bed, smoking cigarettes waiting for him to come home. It’s a position I would know for a while. Lying in bed staring at the ceiling, missing him, wondering where he was. And asking myself how could he have walked away?

 

You'll be free child once you have died
from the shackles of language and measurable time
And then we can trade places, play musical graves
till then walk away walk away walk away walk away

 

At least I had learned what love was. I knew now what it was all about. How I would sacrifice all I was, who I was and all I had to make someone happy. But I guess it wasn’t enough. But at least now, I knew. If anyone ever asked me if I had been in love, I’d reply yes. If I were asked about who he was I would reply,

“He was everything anyone could have wanted.”  And when asked what happened, I would reply only “He walked away”.

 

 

So I'm up at dawn, putting on my shoes
I just want to make a clean escape
I'm leaving but I don't know where to
I know I'm leaving but I don't know where to

 

I didn’t sleep all night. So when the morning came and the sun was trying to make its way up through the pouring rain, I had my coffee and went about my day as normal. But it wasn’t normal. Because he wasn’t sitting in the chair beside me having his coffee. He wasn’t in the shower with me as I showered. He wasn’t getting dressed, as I got dressed. And I knew he would never be again. I sat at my computer replying to emails, deleting spam, and checking his flight. Delayed. He was still in Pittsburgh.

Estimated departure: 7:48PM.

He had all day before his plane took off. And he didn’t come back here. He didn’t come and spend one more night with me. Asshole. I shut my laptop, grabbed my jacket and headed out the door. Time to walk away.

 

If you walk away I walk away
first tell me which road you will take
I don't want to risk our paths crossing someday
so you walk that way I'll walk this way

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